Boundaries are the very thing that allow us and others to know what\u2019s okay and what is not. They\u2019re that invisible internal line that can trigger whether or not we feel safe, loved, or respected. Even the smallest boundary when crossed can have major consequences for both the person who\u2019s crossing them and the one who\u2019s feeling they\u2019re being broken.<\/p>\n
In everyday life, we often have limits for things like: how late we allow our kids to stay up at night, how much money we are able to spend on a birthday gift or the amount of time you\u2019re willing to sit on the phone with a friend who\u2019s complaining about their job for the 100th<\/sup> time.<\/p>\n While those may feel apparent, there are so many more boundaries that we don\u2019t set or even acknowledge that they\u2019re being violated because we simply don\u2019t know how.<\/p>\n This is probably one the most common forms of guilt. Someone asked you for something, like taking on an extra project at work, and even though you know it means you won\u2019t be able to go to that concert you\u2019ve been saving up for or take that vacation you\u2019d been craving, you simply say \u201cyes\u201d because you don\u2019t want to disappoint that person who came to you to solve their problem. How to fix it? <\/em><\/p>\n Set expectations <\/strong>to determine how\/if you can take on any part of it while also maintaining your limits. For this example, you could say something like, \u201cThanks for thinking of me on this project. I have a vacation coming up next week, so how much of this would you like me to complete before that time? And what would you like me to remove from my current priorities to take this on?\u201d You may actually find out that it can wait until you return! But if you don\u2019t speak up and state your limitations, how can you ever expect the other side to know?<\/li>\n It feels<\/em> easier to not say anything than to have to get into the whole ordeal of explaining yourself. This one is especially true in family dynamics. Like, how many times can you be expected to bake your famous cookies for 100 people at the annual holiday gathering, even if you don\u2019t have the time or energy to make them? Especially when people are constantly talking about them and tell you how disappointed they are if you don\u2019t have them ready for the taking. How to fix it?<\/em><\/p>\n Take responsibility for your needs. <\/strong>Realize that it is your top responsibility to take care of yourself. Always have alternative plans so that your needs aren’t always dependent on others. For this example, you could call the relatives who are most vocal about their disappointment and provide them with your recipes. Tell them you\u2019re not able to make them this year, but you wanted them to be able to if it\u2019s an important part of their holiday experience.<\/li>\nHere are four of the most common reasons why we don\u2019t set boundaries and how you can make some small changes to fix that rationale:<\/h3>\n
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You\u2019re afraid of disappointing someone:
\n<\/strong><\/h5>\nYou want to avoid conflict:
\n<\/strong><\/h5>\nYou don\u2019t want to seem selfish:
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