You can and will be able to shift from culture killers to culture keepers<\/a><\/span> if you choose to. It\u2019s hard to admit it, but I have justified and participated in toxic behavior to avoid being on the receiving end of it. I was a culture killer.<\/p>\n In a past job, the department head was skillfully manipulative. They knew exactly what to say or do to make you feel like you had been punched in the gut or had a puncture wound in your heart. It was painful.<\/p>\n They operated on gossip and fear. I realize now that I lost myself and my values in that position. I gossiped with them and talked badly about people who were frustrating me. And I was rewarded for it. In this messed up way, it felt like I was \u201cgood\u201d when I did it.<\/p>\n We\u2019re always trying to survive, whether it feels like life or death or is just a matter of avoiding pain. We can find ourselves excusing toxic behaviors<\/a> in order to protect ourselves. It\u2019s never justified, funny, or OK for someone to curse at, berate, belittle, gossip about, or hurt you. Never.<\/p>\n But you also play a role in either accepting it, participating in it, or setting a boundary<\/a>.<\/p>\n I ultimately recognized where I was at fault, set boundaries, and left. I\u2019m stronger and wiser for it now.<\/p>\n You\u2019re human. Forgive yourself for not knowing better or doing better. Then make a new choice to step into what is in alignment with your best self\u2014the one that ignites your core values. Going from being culture killers to culture keepers starts by being willing to admit and own the parts of you that are out of alignment so that you can grow into the person you truly are, beyond the pain.<\/p>\n When thinking of others, remember that people express themselves on the outside to reflect what they feel on the inside. I\u2019ve trained myself to not take it personally if someone is spewing negativity\u2014not in order to excuse their behavior but in order to meet them where they are instead of getting triggered into my own anger by their toxic energy.<\/p>\n They are clearly suffering; otherwise, they wouldn\u2019t act that way. Very few people wake up in the morning and think, \u201cHow can I mess up my company\u2019s team dynamics and take away trust today? Let me be sure that I take those actions, because the day will be a failure if I don\u2019t hurt other people along my path.\u201d Most likely they are thinking things like, \u201cWhy doesn\u2019t anyone understand or support me? How can I ever trust anyone here? No one has my back, and I\u2019m really out on a limb by myself.\u201d<\/p>\n I first learned that when I read an article about the mindset of terrorist groups. They present themselves as the saviors, the ones who are leading the way to a better life for their people. It was shocking and illuminating all at once. It made so much sense, especially when we bring it down to our day-to-day interactions. If someone is a culture killer at work, they likely don\u2019t see themselves that way.<\/p>\n They are often wounded and feeling unheard, unsupported, or even misunderstood. It\u2019s very unlikely that they see themselves as someone who has work to do but instead that everyone else has work to do. The truth is, we all have work to do!<\/p>\n Of course, it\u2019s not natural to identify as someone who\u2019s the problem. Instead, we identify as the victim of others who are the problem.<\/p>\n When we can lift ourselves out of that mindset and ask for feedback from those who are able to be honest with us, we have a true opportunity to learn, grow, and understand how our behaviors are influencing others.<\/p>\n Figure out what they\u2019re thinking and feeling as your entry point. Because if you go head-in on all the ways they\u2019re making things terrible, they won\u2019t have the sense that you value psychological safety<\/a>, vulnerability, or purpose. They deserve a chance at those things too\u2014but only enough chances to show that they\u2019re willing to change and do the work. If they don\u2019t make that choice, it\u2019s time for them to find a new environment where they are a better fit.<\/p>\n You may consider bringing in a relational mediator or an unbiased facilitator to help support conflict resolution between key individuals. Healing for both individuals and teams happens when people don\u2019t fear retribution for speaking their truth. This is exactly why I became trained in relational mediation.<\/p>\n I knew that it was vital for me to learn how to effectively and confidently guide people toward positive, constructive, healing conversations with one another, instead of around or through someone else. All my workplace mediations since have been successes. People leave feeling relieved, grateful, and hopeful about what\u2019s possible in the future. Creating and holding the space for that level of support to happen is worth investing in when you believe in the possibility on the other side of it. On the other hand, if this employee doesn\u2019t seem like it\u2019s worth that investment and you see no sign of coming together as attainable, it\u2019s likely an indication that it\u2019s not going to work out.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a well-known anecdote that goes like this: The CFO asks the CEO, \u201cWhat happens if we invest in developing our people and then they leave us?\u201d The CEO says, \u201cWhat happens if we don\u2019t and they stay?\u201d<\/p>\n Not labeling, but being able to say you know that yesterday was a bad day and that today offers another chance to reset and start again. Workplace culture<\/a> can be intentionally crafted when you start saying, \u201cWe\u2019re going to reset; we\u2019re going to start again. We have learned, we take responsibility, and will do better now.\u201d<\/p>\n Why invest a lot into values and then say, \u201cAll right, we\u2019re done with that\u201d? This is about integrating and operationalizing, using your company values as a way to tune in to ourselves and check in with our team on how we\u2019re doing. Because workplace culture can change in an instant, we must constantly be keeping a pulse on how we\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n We each play a role in the energy that we create in the world. When you equip your people to respond to and lovingly hold people accountable for the energy they\u2019re creating, you have the power to change the world.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re intentional about how you craft your workplace culture, you can coach, heal, and eliminate the issues I just described.<\/p>\n Remember, your organization\u2019s culture is only as strong as the worst behavior that is allowed, ignored, or gossiped about. When conscious leaders<\/a> and team members like you create strong guidelines and boundaries around what is in or out of alignment with those values, there is real opportunity to protect your workplace culture from anyone or anything that is putting it at risk. You cannot afford to compromise on your values. You need more culture keepers.<\/p>\n This post was an excerpt from MaryBeth’s new conscious leadership book – Permission to Be Human: The Conscious Leaders Guide to Creating a Values-Driven Culture<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\nPermission to be human.<\/strong> If you know that you need to make these changes too, start by being kind to yourself.<\/h2>\n
In nearly every instance, the \u201cbad guys\u201d think that they\u2019re the \u201cgood guys\u201d in their stories.<\/h3>\n
Permission to be human.<\/strong> If you\u2019re in a coaching position, meet that person where they are.<\/h3>\n
Many teams don\u2019t have someone on staff who has the skills in coaching and supporting these types of evolutions<\/a>.<\/h3>\n
Permission to be human.<\/strong> We all have bad days that we can recover from, so we want to give each other grace and opportunity.<\/h3>\n
Imagine how different our life experiences would be if we knew how to address and neutralize toxic experiences and behaviors on the spot, if we didn\u2019t hold that toxic energy inside us, just waiting to vomit it out on family and friends at the first opportunity.<\/h3>\n
Want to learn more about how to be a conscious leader and shift from culture killers to culture keepers<\/a><\/span>?<\/h3>\n