Transforming Toxic Work Culture: How to Shift from Culture Killers to Culture Keepers
You can and will be able to shift from culture killers to culture keepers if you choose to. It’s hard to admit it, but I have justified and participated in toxic behavior to avoid being on the receiving end of it. I was a culture killer.
In a past job, the department head was skillfully manipulative. They knew exactly what to say or do to make you feel like you had been punched in the gut or had a puncture wound in your heart. It was painful.
They operated on gossip and fear. I realize now that I lost myself and my values in that position. I gossiped with them and talked badly about people who were frustrating me. And I was rewarded for it. In this messed up way, it felt like I was “good” when I did it.
We’re always trying to survive, whether it feels like life or death or is just a matter of avoiding pain. We can find ourselves excusing toxic behaviors in order to protect ourselves. It’s never justified, funny, or OK for someone to curse at, berate, belittle, gossip about, or hurt you. Never.
But you also play a role in either accepting it, participating in it, or setting a boundary.
I ultimately recognized where I was at fault, set boundaries, and left. I’m stronger and wiser for it now.
Permission to be human. If you know that you need to make these changes too, start by being kind to yourself.
You’re human. Forgive yourself for not knowing better or doing better. Then make a new choice to step into what is in alignment with your best self—the one that ignites your core values. Going from being culture killers to culture keepers starts by being willing to admit and own the parts of you that are out of alignment so that you can grow into the person you truly are, beyond the pain.
When thinking of others, remember that people express themselves on the outside to reflect what they feel on the inside. I’ve trained myself to not take it personally if someone is spewing negativity—not in order to excuse their behavior but in order to meet them where they are instead of getting triggered into my own anger by their toxic energy.
They are clearly suffering; otherwise, they wouldn’t act that way. Very few people wake up in the morning and think, “How can I mess up my company’s team dynamics and take away trust today? Let me be sure that I take those actions, because the day will be a failure if I don’t hurt other people along my path.” Most likely they are thinking things like, “Why doesn’t anyone understand or support me? How can I ever trust anyone here? No one has my back, and I’m really out on a limb by myself.”
In nearly every instance, the “bad guys” think that they’re the “good guys” in their stories.
I first learned that when I read an article about the mindset of terrorist groups. They present themselves as the saviors, the ones who are leading the way to a better life for their people. It was shocking and illuminating all at once. It made so much sense, especially when we bring it down to our day-to-day interactions. If someone is a culture killer at work, they likely don’t see themselves that way.
They are often wounded and feeling unheard, unsupported, or even misunderstood. It’s very unlikely that they see themselves as someone who has work to do but instead that everyone else has work to do. The truth is, we all have work to do!
Of course, it’s not natural to identify as someone who’s the problem. Instead, we identify as the victim of others who are the problem.
When we can lift ourselves out of that mindset and ask for feedback from those who are able to be honest with us, we have a true opportunity to learn, grow, and understand how our behaviors are influencing others.
Permission to be human. If you’re in a coaching position, meet that person where they are.
Figure out what they’re thinking and feeling as your entry point. Because if you go head-in on all the ways they’re making things terrible, they won’t have the sense that you value psychological safety, vulnerability, or purpose. They deserve a chance at those things too—but only enough chances to show that they’re willing to change and do the work. If they don’t make that choice, it’s time for them to find a new environment where they are a better fit.
Many teams don’t have someone on staff who has the skills in coaching and supporting these types of evolutions.
You may consider bringing in a relational mediator or an unbiased facilitator to help support conflict resolution between key individuals. Healing for both individuals and teams happens when people don’t fear retribution for speaking their truth. This is exactly why I became trained in relational mediation.
I knew that it was vital for me to learn how to effectively and confidently guide people toward positive, constructive, healing conversations with one another, instead of around or through someone else. All my workplace mediations since have been successes. People leave feeling relieved, grateful, and hopeful about what’s possible in the future. Creating and holding the space for that level of support to happen is worth investing in when you believe in the possibility on the other side of it. On the other hand, if this employee doesn’t seem like it’s worth that investment and you see no sign of coming together as attainable, it’s likely an indication that it’s not going to work out.
There’s a well-known anecdote that goes like this: The CFO asks the CEO, “What happens if we invest in developing our people and then they leave us?” The CEO says, “What happens if we don’t and they stay?”
Permission to be human. We all have bad days that we can recover from, so we want to give each other grace and opportunity.
Not labeling, but being able to say you know that yesterday was a bad day and that today offers another chance to reset and start again. Workplace culture can be intentionally crafted when you start saying, “We’re going to reset; we’re going to start again. We have learned, we take responsibility, and will do better now.”
Why invest a lot into values and then say, “All right, we’re done with that”? This is about integrating and operationalizing, using your company values as a way to tune in to ourselves and check in with our team on how we’re doing. Because workplace culture can change in an instant, we must constantly be keeping a pulse on how we’re doing.
Imagine how different our life experiences would be if we knew how to address and neutralize toxic experiences and behaviors on the spot, if we didn’t hold that toxic energy inside us, just waiting to vomit it out on family and friends at the first opportunity.
We each play a role in the energy that we create in the world. When you equip your people to respond to and lovingly hold people accountable for the energy they’re creating, you have the power to change the world.
When you’re intentional about how you craft your workplace culture, you can coach, heal, and eliminate the issues I just described.
Remember, your organization’s culture is only as strong as the worst behavior that is allowed, ignored, or gossiped about. When conscious leaders and team members like you create strong guidelines and boundaries around what is in or out of alignment with those values, there is real opportunity to protect your workplace culture from anyone or anything that is putting it at risk. You cannot afford to compromise on your values. You need more culture keepers.
Want to learn more about how to be a conscious leader and shift from culture killers to culture keepers?
This post was an excerpt from MaryBeth’s new conscious leadership book – Permission to Be Human: The Conscious Leaders Guide to Creating a Values-Driven Culture.
Check out this conscious leadership book here.