How to Build Meaningful Friendships as an Introvert: 3 Keys to Overcoming Differences

The older I get, the harder it is to make friends. I am an introvert, and it takes me a minute to warm up at networking events or anytime I have started a new job. However, over the years I have found three keys to cultivating relationships even if people look different than you.

Be Open

The first step is to open yourself up to the idea of meeting and getting to know other people. A few years ago, I was returning home from a work trip in San Diego, and having checked in late for my flight was one of the last to board. Scoping out the available seating, I decided to sit next to a thin, older White woman because as a tall, husky Black guy, I needed as much room as possible. We greeted each other, and although I was tired, I felt like she wanted to talk. I saw she had a bag from a Baltimore-based restaurant which started the conversation. From there, Mary and I spoke about the city, race, class, and our families. We covered a great deal during the five-hour flight, and I also managed to get in a nap!

Be Authentic

After being open when getting to know others, you have to be yourself. In most cases, it’s pretty easy to spot a phony. I’ve been in situations where I met someone new and instantly felt like they were not being their authentic self. On the flight, Mary and I could have tried to impress each other or put forth an image that wasn’t genuine, however, we stayed true to ourselves, which allowed us to open up even more.

Find Commonality

Finding common ground is an important step in cultivating long-term friendships and connections. While talking with one another, Mary and I found out we have two things in common. Both of us like to read, and, she grew up in the same community in which I currently live. I love history, and she gave a lot of insight into what the area was like in the past. I then shared with her the book I was reading at the time, “Not in My Neighborhood” by Antero Pietila. About a month later, we talked via Skype and discussed the book. I was able to get perspective from her as a White woman growing up during that time, and she felt comfortable asking me how I felt about different topics as a Black man.

Over the years, Mary and I have kept in touch and have had conversations about everything from the unrest in Baltimore to the current political environment–and often share books we think the other would find of interest. We are an odd couple but had either of us been afraid to talk to one another, not been authentic, or not found common ground on that flight, we would never have cultivated our friendship.  

If you’ve read this and thought, these are things I should (or could) do, regardless of someone’s race and religion, well then…you’ve gotten the point!

Getting to know people who might be different from you in some way should not stop you from cultivating relationships. Remember, that just as with you, what we see on the outside is a small part of our story from what’s on the inside.

Cory J. Anderson writes about practical ways to think about and implement equity, diversity, and inclusion in the workplace. He has always lived in a multicultural environment which he credits as his inspiration to bring diverse groups of people together. Cory is passionate about using facilitated conversations as a tool to increase understanding and personal development. He has held various leadership positions with several nonprofit organizations and universities facilitating multicultural education. He is the founder of Identity Blueprint, an organization focused on breaking down barriers one conversation at a time.  Follow him on Twitter @mrca12.