Here are 5 tips on how to give feedback
When it comes to giving and receiving feedback, here are five tips to give yourself and others permission to be human.
1. Share your intent before content. I heard this expression when undertaking a crucial conversation training many years ago. It was such a powerful tip that I use it practically every day, and it’s exactly what it sounds like: Before you share the content of what you have on your mind, share your intention and why it matters to you. This is an especially great tip when it comes to difficult conversations. This might sound like, “Helene, you are one of my top performers on this team. And because of that, I really have to dig deep to find areas of opportunity for you. But I know you’re always invested in growing, and these little things will make a big difference in your impact when it comes to living our values. So let’s start by celebrating your wins from last week’s pitch and also dig into opportunities with our core values alignment.” Or perhaps, “Jordan, you’ve been such a reliable go-to for this team over the years; it’s one of your greatest strengths. That’s why I was surprised by the change in your follow-through recently. I’m sure there’s more going on behind the scenes than I realize, and I want to support you in the process of getting back in alignment with that strength.”
The cool thing about this approach is that it also gets you in check with yourself to understand why this conversation matters to you. And just like with loving accountability, if your intention is not one that’s ultimately positive, this is not the time for you to have this discussion—no exceptions. Check your ego and wait until you are in better alignment with yourself before you broach the subject.
2. Provide constructive and affirming feedback. Most people think that feedback is only about what someone can do better. If a former boss ever said to me, “Hey, MaryBeth, let me give you some feedback,” I would immediately brace myself for impact. As you’ve already read, it’s important to share what’s going well along with what isn’t. It’s a proven practice to offer more affirming than constructive feedback whenever it’s possible and real (don’t make it up). Show your people that you know that feedback is rewarding and not just a dreaded conversation about their shortcomings.
And please, avoid the mistake of the feedback sandwich. Many times, we have been told that if you say a nice thing, followed by an area of improvement, then end with another nice thing that people will be able to handle the constructive feedback more. But that’s simply not the case. Remember that negativity bias? Of course we’re going to focus on the area of improvement way more. You can give affirming feedback on its own and you can give constructive feedback on its own as long as you use the intent before content structure.
3. Ask permission to give feedback. Let’s be clear: You can always give someone feedback whether or not you have their permission, but when you ask, it will likely go better. It can be as straightforward as, “Hey, Monique, are you open to feedback on last week’s event? I’d love to celebrate and support you when you have the capacity for it.” That type of phrase is particularly useful if you would like to spend some time with them one-on-one to debrief.
4. Be specific with your feedback. I heard on a Radical Candor podcast, “If you can say it to a dog, it’s not real feedback.” And that really stuck with me. Think about it. “Good job!” or even “Bad job!” doesn’t help anyone. Why? Because you’re not taking the time to explicitly tell people what made it good or bad. This is very often the case when things go well. We’re so used to pulling out one of our go-to statements, like “Nice work, Jennifer!” or “Really great job there, Abdul!”
Although those words are always nice to receive, they don’t provide any direction or guidance for what you’d like that person to keep doing. Think: “Nice work, Jennifer! I really appreciated how you took the time to set a clear intention for everyone when we started and how well you wove our values into your presentation. You were very thoughtful in your process.” Or “Really great job there, Abdul! I loved the way that you included that energizing music and shared your personal story with everyone. You really lived our value of connection, and it was cool to get to know you better.”
5. Practice two-way feedback. Most people are used to the executives giving feedback to their team members, and that’s that. It’s no surprise, as most of our current societal norms are designed around the model of someone being in the power seat and the other being the subordinate. It can be empowering (and maybe even scary at first) for team members to give their managers feedback—especially if this is a change to the existing dynamics.
I’d recommend that you start with something that is tangible and relatable versus asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” Most team members would be caught off guard and move on quickly with a “Nope—all good here!” in an attempt to keep the peace. Psychological safety is the only way these conversations can happen authentically.
Try something like this: “I really appreciate your perspective, Ganesha, so I’m going to add a new section to our ongoing one-on-ones that includes the opportunity for you to give me feedback. I know that might feel daunting, so I want to be intentional about where we start. How about the next time we meet, you give me one idea on how I can be more effective or impactful with our one-on-ones? It can be anything, big or small, but something that would make you feel like these meetings were an even better use of your energy.”
This example recognizes your thought process and the vulnerability it takes for feedback to occur, and it introduces a specific focus to get things started. As you move up in your levels of psychological safety, you could even get to the point where your one-on-ones included two-way feedback around living your values. While you provide them feedback on how they’re doing with embodying a certain value, you could then ask them to provide you with the insight from their lens. That conversation may sound like this: “Darren, you’re doing an incredible job when it comes to embodying our value of integrity. Just the other day, I saw how you stayed late to support Phyllis on her project to ensure that she met her deadline. I’m really impressed with how much you’re doing to keep the whole team, including yourself, in integrity. The next time we meet, I’d really appreciate it if you could provide me with feedback on how I’m doing when it comes to my integrity relative to you. Where am I in alignment, and where are some opportunities for me to do better?”
Taking this approach will significantly differentiate you from most other organizations and will give your team a huge upper hand in creating a loyal and honest culture. It activates values like trust, authenticity, communication, vulnerability, empathy, and growth, to name a few.
And lastly, if you are feeling frustrated with another team member when giving or receiving feedback, choose curiosity. Curiosity is the cure to all frustration. The majority of the time, you’re frustrated based on assumptions that you’ve made, and you’ve become the victim of the story you’ve created about the situation. Be a conscious, mindful leader by pausing and recognizing that you can choose curiosity. You may consider go-to statements and questions like the following:
Tell me more about that.
Help me understand what happened.
I don’t want to make any assumptions, so please walk me through your experience here.
What do you mean by that?
How can we make things right between us?
What do we need to discuss first?
Next time you have to give feedback, which tips will you try? Let us know if the comments below.
This wisdom is from MaryBeth’s company culture book Permission to Be Human: The Conscious Leaders Guide to Creating a Values-Driven Culture.
Check out this conscious leadership book here.