The Key to Strong Relationships: Your Trust Account Balance

All our relationships have a running balance in an unspoken “trust bank.” Our interactions either increase or decrease the balance of trust and connection through the emotions they elicit. That is how to rebuild trust in a relationship.

Think of it this way… 

Every time someone keeps their word, holds your information in confidence, or follows through on their intentions, trust deposits are made. And whenever that same person doesn’t keep a commitment, shares your confidential information, or breaks a promise, big trust withdrawals are made.

The thing about this trust bank is that when it’s abundant with deposits, it can feel easier to give permission to be human when a minor (or even major) withdrawal is made. But once a person’s account is empty (or even overdrawn), that relationship is likely toast.

Whether it’s with your family, friends, colleagues, or strangers, most of us have a real-time balance of where things stand in our trust accounts.

For nearly a decade, it’s been my full-time job to facilitate the work needed to refill overdrawn trust accounts. Whether that’s through meditation, coaching, or a strategic multi-year culture shift engagement. And I’ve learned SO MUCH in the process.

As a consultant, I was able to make a large investment on behalf of the organization by simply listening with intention and quickly following through when I heard the spark of their leadership being reignited; they were ready to make good things happen. It was remarkable how clear it was when you really boiled it down to the human experience of creating trust and empowerment.

Within initial meetings, people would say things like this: “Thank you for caring about my opinion. I hadn’t been asked for it before.” “Thank you taking the time to get to know me. I didn’t think I mattered to this group.” “I was going to leave but thought I’d give it one last chance. Thanks for helping me understand the vision here now.”

Holding honest, psychologically safe, and vulnerable spaces from day one always opened up a totally new account within their trust bank, and the balance was abundant between us.

When we have evidence that someone is trustworthy, massive opportunities arise between you.

Recently, I’ve been moving through really heavy family trauma. And when a friend texted to see how I was doing, I shared the FULL PICTURE of how bad it was. I could count on one hand how many people I had shared it with. Because I had a full balance in my trust account with them, I was confident they would keep it sacred and support me in my healing.

But the opposite happened.

I was ghosted. No response. No reaction. Nothing.

It felt like I had inconvenienced them for sharing my truth and they didn’t have the capacity to hold space for how heavy things were for me then. I did my best not to take it personally and just made a note in the proverbial ledger of my trust account that they were not someone to go to in the future when I needed help.

That’s how trust accounts work after all!

As time went by, my birthday rolled around, and this friend reached out to wish me well. In the process, I got a long apology where they fully admitted they completely missed my text and were just seeing it then.

They owned it fully. Apologized. And offered support.

BECAUSE I already had a super high trust account with them, their response weeks later completely replenished the emotional balance between us. I knew they were telling the truth and I trusted them completely.

Permission to be human was fully granted.

And I’ve certainly broken trust on my end, too! The key is to repair it and reset as soon as possible. That’s all you can do when learning how to rebuild trust in a relationship.

You aren’t expected to be perfect but rather perfectly imperfect in your journey to alignment. The values of empathy, vulnerability, authenticity, connection, and growth will prevail when you’re in a relationship with anyone who has earned a trust account with you.

Ready to make BIG values-aligned deposits in your trust accounts at work, home and within?

Here are 3 ways that have a massive ROI in learning how to rebuild trust in a relationship.

1. Psychological Safety.

   Defined as people’s perceptions of the consequences of taking interpersonal risks. Research shows that psychological safety is the #1 thing humans want across all sectors of organizations. If there’s no psychological safety, you better believe that trust account is pretty low, if not empty. So, how can you activate more of it in your relationships?  Consider sharing a story where you also made a mistake or went through a difficult time to humanize your own. When my friends missed my vulnerable text, I let them know that I had been there before myself, understood, and appreciated their reaching out. It can be that simple. Whenever you embody the value of vulnerability and let people know that it’s okay for them to be perfectly imperfect because you are too – it creates a common ground and trust deposits between you.

2. Empathy with Boundaries.

   This concept is one that rocked my world when I learned it from Brené Brown because I was sure that boundaries were separate from empathy. When you let people do things that are not OK with you, they are crossing your boundaries whether they (or you) realize it or not. You cannot feel with someone (empathy) if they are breaking your boundaries. Start by getting clear with yourself on what’s OK and what’s not OK. Define those expectations in your relationship. When coaching people at work, I often say, “I’m here to listen to your challenges and guide you to new opportunities. I can’t promise you change will occur within the organization as a result. But I can promise that I can support you in change within yourself.”As Brené often says, Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

3. Grant Permission to Be Human.

   When you can create trust within yourself through psychological safety and empathy with boundaries, by being who you are, you both consciously and subconsciously give others permission to do the same—and you can’t genuinely create that with others if you don’t have it with yourself first. Ask yourself:
   •    Where am I out of alignment in how I trust myself?
   •    How might I activate my core values to regain that trust?
   •    What would be different if I gave myself permission to be human in the way I would my best friend? 

What do you think? Are you ready to nurture your trust accounts at work, home and within?

I’m here to help you whenever you’re ready to learn how to rebuild trust in a relationship.

When you are ready, here are three ways I can help you.

Permission to Be Human: This book is my step-by-step guide to creating a thriving business by knowing, owning, and living your core values. Check out my #1 Bestseller in Amazon’s Workplace Culture Category Here.

Knowing and Living Your Values: During my 10-day course, you’ll identify your unique values, see where you’re currently activating them, and make small tweaks where you’re not so that every day is filled with purpose. Join 7,000+ Students Here.

Alignment Coaching: Work with me 1×1 to align with your core values, reduce stress, and ignite more well-being without compromising your impact. Fill out this inquiry form to see if we’re a good fit for one another.