Understanding Ghosting: Reasons Behind It and Effective Ways to Cope
By definition, “Ghosting” is breaking off a relationship by ceasing all communication and contact with the former partner without any apparent warning or justification, as well as ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate. So why do people ghost?
In today’s hyperconnected technological world, the trend of ghosting out has become an epidemic. While it’s most commonly known in the dating scene, it has permeated all aspects of life – including the workplace!
How many times has a company put you through the ringer with interviews for a new role and then neglects to inform you that you didn’t get the job? What about an employee who quits unexpectedly and cannot be located to close out their workload? Or maybe even a colleague who decided to stop talking to you after years of camaraderie and they’re not willing to speak to you about what happened?
I’ve personally been exposed to all 3 of these examples of being ghosted out and none of them were pretty.
So Why Do People Ghost?
Many people see it as an easy way out. Why go through a difficult conversation when you can avoid it? In fact, ghosters often try to justify their behavior by stating that ghosting is less hurtful than telling someone what they really think.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end, you know it does not feel like the kind choice. In reality, it’s cowardly and immature. None-the-less, ghosting will continue on no matter how much we’ve evolved as a species. People have a lot of unpacked baggage and they tell themselves whatever story they need to hear to justify their behavior.
What Can You do About it?
In the long list of options, very few are actually effective with your own closure and self-value. So think these through and see which you tend to lean towards and how you can adjust for your own well-being.
- Nothing! You can go on pretending as if nothing occurred and act like it’s no big thang. Meanwhile, on the inside, you’re stewing away at all the wrong that was done to you. You don’t have to talk to anyone or even acknowledge this happened. Just keep it balled up in the basement of your memory jar with the hope it will disappear. Good luck!
- Create stories about what happened. You can go through a laundry list of all the reasons why this MIGHT have occurred. Neatly organize all the ways in which it can make sense. Typically at the expense of your own self-worth or theirs. You can tell everyone you know how awful this person was to you and live in a world of story you created for your own closure. Sound familiar?
- Provide feedback. You can take the high ground and provide this individual with some constructive feedback from a place of loving-kindness. Whether or not they respond doesn’t matter. You have made your peace with it and given them an opportunity to do so as well. Either way, you’re solid. How would that feel?
- Move on! You can recognize that not everyone has the capacity to have difficult conversations and that, generally speaking, people are doing the best they can. If they’re unable to speak their truth, they’re likely suffering in ways far bigger than the situation at hand. So send them good energy and move on with your badass self! Could you do that?
It took me a LONG time to not resort to #2! As humans, we’re “meaning-making” machines and we NEED to have a story to make sense of what occurred.
Later on, I realized how much wasted energy and pain I was creating by even entertaining those stories. We will never know why that person actually ghosted unless they step up and share it. So do yourself a favor and release it for yourself by trying #3 and #4 the next time a ghost comes across your path and you think, why do people ghost out?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!